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July 14, 2013
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I have been contemplating my own mortality increasingly lately. I have children but do I live for them alone? Perhaps that is what I should do. However, If I am so emotionally volatile that I cause harm... But wait what if things improve. I have twenty-seven years of doctors tilting at windmills.  Is this juat sour grapes. Have you actually looked at therapies, outcomes, and compulsively living life? Do npt play the religion card because I am an atheist.

From an unexpected place, I have a vast improvement. In the end it goes too. "So what should I do", I ask myself? Is the situation so dire; try living without hope or a small fraction of your mind barely sufficient to read and know just enough to remember having an avocation. All of the things I like most about life, the reasons I have to live; you onlyhave to adjust. Lets say i blind you, why should you be angry. When you know your hearing is going next, just knuckle down. Touch, love, perspective. What is this ludicrous obsession with life at any cost in America?

I stand before before a fork in paths. One leads to oblivion and release and the other shadow existence; been here twice before and resented being revived. I resented being pulled back; my peace is transformed into some Doctor's obedience to a facile set of ethics. What have you saved me for? What is it so indescribably wonderful about a reality where I have landed. Why bring me back from the peace?

I wish in part that I had died on the way to the E.R. in 1987. After my divorce much later,  I spent ten years watching T.V. I experience jamais vu plenty. My memory does not store new information. I can watch new movies over and over and never remember the story. 

Some fools,no, idiots out there say, "I have the answer, antidepresssants are the way to go". They are not looking at the data; a full thirty percent have no benefit and I really have tried almost everything. But, I am confronted with the end of my medication working properly leaving me once again to descend into unending fear and foggyness. Why should I live a life of agony watching T.V. until dementia finally wins? You have not tried, then hard enough. You are a buffoon because you see
life as more important than pain, humiliation...

So I am brought to a point where I seriously think about which path should be followed. Oh, and for all those who think this is simply some stunt, "Va te foutre"! I do not know what to make of this other than baring my soul in public and saying medical care cannot dominate reason. If I had to guess they would say,"He is sick" and so goes so many things which might disturb a pedestrian public. Perhaps something has loosened my tongue. To feel comfortable, I will be put into some box where my ideas fit nicely in a predefined place for lunatics and not rational thinkers.
  • Listening to: nil
  • Reading: nil
  • Watching: nil
  • Playing: nil
  • Eating: It is hard to keep food down
  • Drinking: Soda
:iconforcedlactationlover:
Forcedlactationlover Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well, now you have one (comment). I make no judgement here. I will only note that I have had similar feelings in the past. I can say only the one thing that has kept me here, outside of my sheer, unadulterated, stubborn contrariety: It occurred to me then, and still does, that while any situation may seem hopeless, to end it all will not improve anything, and ends all possibility of doing so. 
Enough said.
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:iconlongcoolwomaninblack:
LongCoolWomanInBlack Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013   Artist
I got over it. I am really happy you responded. I will try to write a life affirming entry.
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:iconlongcoolwomaninblack:
LongCoolWomanInBlack Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013   Artist
I have no comments
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